


And He Shall Lead You Home

by lissaann



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Gen, post 4x22 - "Lucifer Rising", suicidal!Sam
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-05-20
Updated: 2009-05-20
Packaged: 2019-02-01 22:54:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,256
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12714486
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lissaann/pseuds/lissaann
Summary: Sam's alone with his thoughts while Dean's in the shower after the events of "Lucifer Rising".





	And He Shall Lead You Home

**Author's Note:**

> This was written for a Hug It Out prompt. Originally published May, 2009.

**Disclaimer:** Sam and Dean aren't real, right? Then neither is this story. No copyright infringement intended, no money made, Kripke and the CW own everything, including my heart.  
**A/N:** The prompt was from [](https://klutzy-girl.livejournal.com/profile)[](https://klutzy-girl.livejournal.com/)**klutzy_girl** : Sam tries to kill himself because of breaking the last seal and what he's done since Dean died. Dean stops him. 1200+ words because my muse just CAN'T. SHUT. UP. :P Set right after 4x22.

==========

They hightailed it out of Ilchester, MD as fast as Ruby’s shitty little car could carry them. “She couldn’t have had a real car, could she?” grumbled Dean as they headed to Bobby’s so Dean could get the Impala.

They traveled for about three hours until the adrenaline burned out. Teetering on the brink of exhaustion, on the outskirts of New Baltimore, PA they took the exit for the nearest motel. Even from the outside it looked sleazy, but honestly this was as far as they were going to be able to go. While Dean went into the office to get the room, Sam began to haul their belongings out of the Impala, waiting for Dean to finish his transaction.

In looking at their things, he noticed that Dean had left Ruby’s knife behind, in among his duffle. Making sure that he couldn’t be seen; Sam slipped the knife into the back of his jeans. He knew now that Ruby was dead, Dean wouldn’t be looking for it, but he wanted to make sure not to tip Dean off to what he was about to do.

Dean came out of the office with the key and Sam followed him inside. “First shower,” Dean called out, uncontested. That was fine with Sam; he needed the time alone pulling himself back from Dean. He stripped down to his boxers and headed to take his shower.

Sam sat on the end of the bed, waiting until he heard the water start before pulling the knife from his jeans. It had been too much. Too much had happened over the past year, pulling him and Dean apart. Ruby manipulating him more than he was ever able to see, leading him further astray than he intended. Denying his brother’s help, refusing to work with Dean. Chasing after what he thought was the way to the end, ignoring angels with their heavenly orders. And where did it find him? Killing Lilith, breaking the last seal, letting Lucifer rise. If he had the whole year to do over differently, he would, but at this point, there was just no going back. Things with Dean would never be the same, if Dean could even stand to be with him anymore. He had let Dean down which was worse than anything in the world, worse than losing Jess, worse than fighting with Dad, worse than just about anything he could imagine.

No, this needed to end, here and now. Dean had Castiel looking over his shoulder, promising him a future that he could never have if Sam stayed with him. Sam’s soul was damned now, so what difference would it make if he ended his own life?

 

Sam held the knife to his wrist. Two simple slashes and he would bleed out faster than anyone could save him. If the knife could kill demons, then it could kill him as well, as close to a demon as any human could be. As he put the blade to his right wrist, determined to cut straight even though he was not left handed, the bathroom door suddenly opened.

Dean walked out of the bathroom with a towel wrapped around his waist. He stopped, staring at Sam who didn’t seem to realize he was in the room. Softly, trying not to startle him, he said calmly, “Sammy, what are you doing?”

Sam sat there, staring at his wrist and the knife ready to slice the arteries in his arm. “Gotta do this, Dean,” he answered softly, robotically.

Dean moved slowly across the room towards Sam. “Sam, don’t be stupid. Why are you doing this?”

“You’re kidding, right?” he asked not looking up at Dean, who was now kneeling in front of him. “I’ve turned full demon, Dean. I’ve let Lucifer out. I’ve damned the whole world to the Apocalypse. I’m going to be responsible for millions of deaths. What’s one more?”

Dean moved forward, grasping the wrist of the hand that held Ruby’s knife. “Sam. C’mon, dude, don’t do this.”

Sam began to get angry. “Why the fuck not? You don’t want to be my brother anymore, I’ve got no one left in my life. I have nothing left to live for. I should have done this while we were still in the convent.”

“Sam, no. You do have something to live for. You always have. It doesn’t matter what happens in between. We’re _brothers_. Nothing’s ever going to change that.”

“You called me a monster, a vampire, a blood sucking freak. You said you were done trying to save me and that there’s no going back.”

“What?” Dean asked incredulously.

“What do you mean, what? The message you left me, from wherever you were.”

Dean put his hand on Sam’s chin and forced him to look at him. “Sammy, that’s not what I said.”

“I heard you!” Sam grabbed his phone, hit redial and entered his passcode. He pressed play and held the phone up to Dean’s ear.

Dean listened for a moment. “That’s not what this says, Sam. It’s the message I left you. I was pissed, but we’re brothers. I shouldn’t have said what I said. I’m not Dad. And I’m sorry.”

Sam looked at him in shock. He pulled the phone back from Dean’s ear and replayed the message. He dropped the phone at the end of the message. “You…what?”

“Sammy, I don’t know what you heard. Sounds like someone fucked with the message.” He slowly took the knife out of Sam’s hand. “You’re not a monster, Sam. You never have been. And I had no right to tell you not to come back if you walked out the door. That’s something Dad would say, not me.” He paused, and Sam could see tears forming in his eyes. “I’m sorry, Sammy. I’m sorry for all of it.”

“Dean,” Sam started.

Dean brought his hand to the side of Sam’s head. “Damn it, Sam. I went to hell for you. You think I want to see you throw it all away now?”

Sam sat, silent, not knowing how to react.

“Dude, we still have work to do. There are still demons out in the world that need to be exorcised, there is still evil in the world that needs to be fought.” He paused. “I can’t do it without you.”

Sam broke down into tears and threw himself at Dean, wrapping his arms around him and sobbing into the crook of Dean’s neck. “I gotcha, Sammy. Just like always. I’m here, and I gotcha.” Dean hugged him until Sam was able to calm down and pull himself together.

“You mean it?”

“Of course I do, Sam. Have I ever said that and not meant it. I’ve been saying that to you since you were five. And it’s true every time. I’ve gotcha.”

Sam looked at Dean with a half-smile on his face. “Thanks,” he answered quietly.

“Well, looks like the shower’s out for the time being. How ‘bout we go get some food?”

“Yeah. Yeah, let’s do that.”

Dean turned off the shower, got dressed, and the two headed out to grab some food.


End file.
